Has this changed my life? You betcha, not all for the good either.
My doctor's advice, just lose weight and everything will be "ok" isn't
the full truth. I still suffer pain, I still have a separated pelvis and I still suffer from Severe Endometriosis
and Adenomyosis, that is only corrected by hysteretcomy or menopause.
Has this solved all my problems and made everything better as I thought
it would? No, I wish it were that easy.
I still cope daily with who am I, who I want to be, where am I going
and what will I do when I get there.
I still have to cope with daily the way I punish myself and hear every
negative word that people I love has said to me. I cope daily with the fact that I feel one thing, yet something else completely
comes out of my mouth. How do I put into words what I want other people to hear?
I still have to struggle daily with knowing how much I weighed and why
I let myself go, and how much punishment can one person handle and not "crack"?
Was it just stress, unhappiness, true depression or just a way to cope
with life? Those answers I'm still trying to figure out for myself and wonder why I can't see I'm a "normal" size
and I should be happy with that.
I tried on my wedding dress; it was so big, I had to clothespin it in
7 places to stay up (see below)
I was happy then, I ran, walked and was active every day. I was 173 lbs
and still didn't think I needed to lose weight. Now, I'm the same size or smaller and see every flaw magnified ten-fold.
I struggle every day to change the inside to believe that the outside
has changed as much as the inside.
I look at the pictures of the happiest time in my life and I long to
feel the way I did back then, but I don't.
How do I get that back, what road do I take to get the real "me" back?
I don't know and I don't have all the answers, but one day I'll find
the "true woman within" who used to be content and happy with life.
